Before we get into this one I have to warn you I am going come off as an egocentric, assholic, and opinionated prick. Generally I don't think I come across that way but every once and awhile it all comes spewing forth in torrents of vehement opinions, overwhelming feelings and an almost scary amount of "omg I could hurt you right now". It's been one of those days. It's actually be one of those days and then a couple more of them thrown in for good measure.
What has me in such a tizz? Yesterday Christchurch had an earthquake, I was in it, I had been in Christchurch for a weding and the earthquake was about 40 minutes before I had to leave. This meant the majority of supermarkets etc were closed and evacuated and I couldn't buy any water or jet planes for the trip home. But none of that was the problem... as scary as it was I can deal with that far more than the following.
It's much worse than some ground rumbling and sadly broken model cars at my friends house, today I had an epiphany...I am a workaholic, it's something that entrepreneurs get into, constantly coming up with new ideas, always thinking about what we could be doing to better business etc. Well, I had the most unproductive day ever, and its only just starting now at 4.49pm. Because I went back to school today.
Surely you would think I would be excited and nervous about the prospect of going back to school, and I was, and still am. I love learning, but I have an issue with not doing, today was a day of not doing. As I sat there listening to some stuff the different lecturers and heads of school were saying all I could think of was how much work I was missing out on completing because I was listening to stuff that people were talking about that I had read in the first 10 minutes.
And this is where I sound like a complete asshat...I wasn't present in the moment, i didn't want to be there, and I felt like I could have been far more productive doing other stuff. To me this was like torture, and I really worry that the next week will be much of the same.
The problem is, they need to accomodate more people than just me, I am ridiculously intelligent, know what I want and am a bullheaded asshat who has shit to do, so for me it's like
Throw into all this that I am extremely introverted and really prefer to only deal wth one person at a time and you have me rocking in the corner after realising i dont know anyone, i dont fit in anywhere and i just want to go home and work.
Honestly, if i could just sit at home or do shoots all day I would be happy, and yet for some reason I have gone back to school under this idea that I will learn something new, I will discover new ways of thinking and I will have a blast (apparently, and much to my surprise- sometimes I am wrong after all).
And all day they spoke to the majority of people who are just starting on their journey, just discovering what they want to do, just moving in to a new phase of life, both the young and the older students who were there are creating something new for themselves and I am already there, I just want to enhance it. It made me feel so alone and vunerable, to have very little in common with these people who are now my classsmates, already working at a level they are aspiring to, and thinking to myself "I could be getting so much work done right now".
My main hope as I move forward is to take in as much as I can, I want to be present, not worrying about the amount of work I have and prefering to do it (am I a dork or what). I wont apologise for loving what I do, I wont apologise for being opinionated, strongwilled and intelligent, I wont apologise for my extreme introversion that borders on a hatred of new experiences that involve people. But I will hope for a peace to come about, an understanding and presence to allow me to make the best of what I have on offer to me and finallly the ability to let go of the work that will always be waiting when I get home and enjoy the experience of being at school again.
And yes, I spent morning tea and Lunch time on my laptop editing because i am a tool haha!
Images Model Citizen Photography
Photographer: Hayley Walmsley
Hair: Beautiful Hair By JQ
Makeup: JC Beauty Co
Location and Accesories: Rockbourne Gallery